Vegetables

That bastard. Why I do cry when he yells at me? That's showing signs of weakness. I really dislike eating with him. The first time in several weeks we have a family dinner and I drop tears into my bowl.

When He Comes

Whenever I hear that noise of his car pulling into the garage, fear strikes me. I'm not really sure why. He doesn't hit me any more, and family-life right is fairly un-intrusive. The stresses I work out now in kumdo (call it kendo if you want) are no longer family-related, but rather school-related. Go Green has invaded my life, in an negative manner :( You could call family-life idyllic right now. The only tremors I feel are when my mother throws one of her frequent rages. But even so, I feel like I can handle them now, as well as I handle the empty dinner table, the ridiculously messy house, the constant humming of the television and the sprawled drunken messes I call my parents in front of it. I've grown resigned to my fate, as you could say. Wait, that's a lie actually - but I've accepted it as part of my life, and I won't expect my parents to turn into brightly smiling rays of sunshine ready to embrace me and my thoughts.

But that sound of his car pulling into the car strikes inexplicable fear into my heart. I shovel any remaining my food on my plate into my mouth, and most days I can finish this race, or else I take the rest of my food into my room to finish it in peace. I can't stand facing that man. Mornings are highly distasteful affairs, I quake and hide at the sounds of him. I wish he wasn't here. Those two weeks when he left the house were my favourite,  the most peacable two weeks of my young life.

왜어?

Sigh. My life passes with these three expressions... -_____- ._____. O_____o

Sisters. I deeply dislike.

I can't judge her. I can't get angry. She's holding one above me. I can't get angry. And I can't get hurt. I don't know what the seniors are studying.. So my sister: Do you even talk to anybody? Don't you have friends? Omg =.= I know she's just doing to be hateful, I know what she's doing so I can't get hurt. There.. Her claims are ridiculous.

The lady doth protest.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

What am I doing there?

Why did I go to James Ruse? Was it prove my worth to my family - I could enter an 'elite'school? Was it for the academics? Was it for the friends, the extra - curricular activities? The last two definitely aren't true. Well, what have I accomplished at this school? I've been trying to think, but no matter how I ponder, I can't find any answer.

50 times

Have you celebrated yet? Maybe it'll be the last.

Again,

and I'll call the police on you. You just try and...

If I...

Why are you here?!

Why are you looking at my blog :(

A Chock Full of Obesity & Unhealthiness

Oh dear, I have gained weight.

I just ate a whole cake ;(
I had two Boost for free :(
I ate an entire packet of French Fries yesterday
I ate an entire packet of Twix on Saturday
I ate an entire meatball subway that day too
I ate 2L of ice cream the week before
and three 1L tubs of yoghurt.

I'm fat :( And it's showing.

Time to lose some weight.

(I deleted the last part because it was stupid. I feel stupid. Who cares? I don't.) 1/4/12

On The Other Side

I think I should bring some positivity here! It's been too stormy as of late.

Clean Up Day ran without a hitch - it passed with a surreal smoothness that doesn't normally arrive with new projects. 130 participants, 130 certificates, 130 sheets of paper. Sigh.

I wish I could restart Bikram Yoga again. I really don't like that easing-in phase when you begin (again) because it's so painful and I have such high expectations of my body. But afterwards, it's just smooth sailing.

And I've discovered I can't write to save my life! It's rather sad, how my mind is just like a piece of BLANK crumpled paper. I have no inspiration, and because of the creases, I can't add anything. So it's just some never - ending, thoughtless and highly frustrating cycle of.. emptiness.

Oh, that wasn't positive at all. But it's better than writing about that bastard right?
This is so disjointed...

It's. Everybody Else's, But Yours.

Fault. Of course I'm the first to be blamed by you. I always am. No matter how isolated I am from the issue, no matter how much I have no idea what is going on. It's my fault. Now that you've beaten me, get out of my life.

These feelings aren't sudden

I was thinking back, and I remembered when you left for two or weeks when I was eight. I remember sulking when you came back, because I liked life better without you in it. Those memories where buried away until just then. Life felt more free when you weren't there. Back then, the three of us were happy.

Now it's just me.

But I can do it myself.

Escape

If only I could.
You, I hate you. Every time I hear your voice, I recoil under my blankets. Every time your foot steps approach my door.. My heart beat quickens, I pray that you won't open the door. Yesterday night, you touched my hand. I don't know what I was thinking, but naturally I recoiled and you slapped me. The times you've ripped my hair out. The times where you've threatened me with a knife. The times where your eyes bulge and dilate with anger, and oh, the times when I've wished you would drop on the spot.

Unfilial thoughts

有時候，我會怕我自己。There are times when I frighten myself.

My heart in still thumping - it's good to know that it's sound.

The tale as it goes..

My father (I didn't even know that he was coming home today, let alone at home..) turned on his electric shaver. A rather loud noise emanated from the closed bathroom. (Isn't it rather sad that it took a few minutes for anybody to ask if anything was wrong? It was a quite disturbing sound after all..) My mother warily approached the bathroom door; and while I have no idea she was thinking, from observing the way she opened the door, and the manner in which she screamed, she probably thought he had electrocuted himself. He was fine. She wasn't.

In the meantime, I sighed in disappointment. Actually I'm taking second thoughts about putting the rest of my thoughts down. It would hardly serve me well. My incomplete story has .. ended?

What am I thinking?

我只是十六嵗，我又在想做什麽呢？我可以試，但是我知道我不會成功啊。成功是沒有可能的。我一定會失望的。

It's never as bad as you think it is.

離開家會太貴。我沒錢，沒朋友，沒家人，又沒有什麽 ‘那就怎麽辦呢？’。我從來都沒什麽 選擇。

幸福。幸福是什麽呢？

我都忘記了。